Nobody likes a "Know It All"…?
Not too long ago, I would have comfortably fit into the “Know it all” archetype.
If something was easy for me, I would assume it must be easy for others.
One example:
Enjoying drinks after work with colleagues and this exact discussion came up.
I joined the table mid conversation and the first words I heard were:
“...It’s like 7x7...”
My gut response was “well that’s 49”
In an instant, I alienated anyone who didn't know the answer, or was slower to the answer than me.
At the same time, I proved the point of the conversation and was immediately scolded for being a know it all.
Again, I thought everyone knew what I knew at the time.
I was wrong.
Luckily, this was a clear cut experience...
Any damage caused by this behaviour was immediately resolved.
It seems small, but this happened over 5 years ago and I still have not forgotten it.
It feels like a very valuable lesson:
Coaching others to an answer, or letting others form their own ideas has many benefits
It's way more effective than straight up giving them the answer... In most cases.
People feel accomplished when they come to a conclusion using their own mind.
Its rewarding for everyone involved, it builds understanding in relationships.
The opposite can result in, humiliation and alienation for both sides.
So, what influences this type of behaviour?
Why do we do this?
It's many things, but one of them, is Expert Bias or the Curse of knowledge.
Our depth of understanding can lead to false assumptions...
We sometimes assume a new beginner would 'at least' know the basics
We could gloss over a complex topic and confuse our audience
As an expert, when we expect a newcomer to know the basics...
It can make us appear arrogant, elitist and conceited
AND
It can make our audience feel isolated, alienated and stupid.
By ignoring this bias:
We weaken our communications and undermine our ideas.
We limit the breadth of understanding and engagement of our audience
We neglect our relationships
We hurt our reputation
So how do we know?
How do we know when we're doing this?
Well, it's tricky...
We make assumptions all the time.
Not because we're imperfect, but out of necessity
We all "know"...
...the sky is blue...
...We walk on the ground...
...We breath through our nose and mouth...
But then we change the audience...
A blind person doesn't know what blue means
A person born without legs may not walk at all
Some people live their entire lives without breathing through their nose or mouth.
Even our most basic and simple assumptions can be wrong.
It all depends on how our audience perceives the world.
This is the most important part
I seek first to understand how my audience perceives the world
When I do this, my audience can feel seen, heard and acknowledged.
For many people, there is nothing more validating than feeling understood
To know they are not alone in their thoughts
To know they share their world with another person
It builds immediate comradery and a fantastic foundation for relationships
And until we build this foundation, we risk undermining ourselves and anyone we talk to.
So why do we take the risk?
For me, I boil it down to 2 main reasons.
I want to be heard (Ego)
I feel it would be quicker to just tell (Time Pressure)
In hindsight, the solution feels counter-intuitive.
When it comes to Ego, for example
The most charming or confident people we know...
The people who we look up to...
They tend not to explain themselves or speak without cause.
They tend not to seek outside approval
They tend not to want to be heard, and as a result people tend to listen.
Funny how that works...
We have a similar phenomenon with Time Pressure.
When I am in a rush, I find I make many more mistakes.
When I attempt to rush other people, I find they want to slow down, and take their time.
When I'm patient with people, they very quickly acknowledge and appreciate it.
I am certain we all share examples like this.
Ultimately, these underlying reasons are both the symptom and the root-cause of the problem.
For each of us these are incredibly complex issues which we will solve as we journey through life.
In the mean-time, I take the attention and focus away from my inner world…
…And redirect it toward the outer world
It takes a conscious decision to listen to, and to understand other people.
It takes consistent practice to do it well
For me, it changed my whole universe.
When people see that I'm actively engaging and understanding who they are...
…living with those people becomes effortless.
Any friction we have seems to dissipate...
...We're glad to see each other...
...Bad jokes become hilarious...
...Good things 'just' happen
I only I wish I'd known sooner.
Which is why I am sharing this with you.